My first sexual experience was when I was 16, nearly a full year before my first kiss, which happened to be with the same person, who for the purposes of this, will go by the name Maria. Maria was a girl I wanted to nail for some time, but had been denied the chance due to the awkward situation of her being in a relationship with a friend of mine. This, however, inevitably came to an end when we all went our separate ways after high school, and it was with great anticipation and wood that I arrived at a party one night to find Maria was the only girl there.
She was attractive in a unique way, and I don’t mean that like a backhanded compliment. It just wasn’t totally conventional. She had a good toned figure and nice eyes, but large Angelina Jolie-esque lips that got her teased and a pair of front teeth that in years gone by would have had her munching carrots. Put this unusually attractive girl in a room with 15 guys, all of whom are teenagers in heat, all of whom are drinking, and all of whom want to nail whatever wears a skirt, and you have one highly desired girl.
I, suffice to say, was a tool. Not in a good way. Not a cocky, popular kind of tool. I hated those guys. I was a tool because I was unpopular, overweight, unattractive and arrogant (3 out of 4 of those things haven’t changed). I was the only person at the party to no longer be attending the same college, and so people tended to ignore me at the party. Half of them called me by the wrong name. I also had quite a well known boner for this girl; even she knew it. We were friends, but in typical style, I wanted to be closer friends than she did.
As the night got on, the guys felt it was a great idea to put a porn movie on, while Marie and I were lying down close to the TV, talking. Obviously not being so immature as to watch porn (hmm) and trying my hardest with Marie, I ignored it and we carried on talking. As the conversation developed, a duvet was placed over us, and we lay down, spooning. With 15 guys next to us watching porn.
Naturally, the moment was right for me to make a move. My hand slid, stealthily as usual, under her shirt and onto her toned stomach, and slowly moved upwards. To my utter horror, she didn’t stop me.
Fuck. I was being given permission here. What the fuck do I do? I cupped her not inconsiderable left boob while my mind raced and my boxers tightened, awaiting the heaven that was sure to come. Nothing. I drew a blank. At this point, a guy called Lee came and sat down next to her, and began talking. Maria replied only in vowels but I new I had to keep control of the situation: I moved my hand under the bra and touched the sweet manna that was her naked left boob. Mmm.
This was uncharted territory for an overweight, unpopular 16 year old who’d never even kissed before. This left boob represented everything I had so far been denied. This was golddust, this was my holy grail. I was no longer to be inexperienced and miserable, wasting the days awaiting more convenient delivery systems for internet porn. There was more to discover. Her right boob, for a start.
I moved across and slid my hand under again, my mind racing and boxers struggling to handle the pressure. Using my rudimentary knowledge of biology, and years of experience in watching porn, I carried on with this public indecency in ways I won’t continue with, if only so I don’t sound like a badly written erotic novel. The evidence was plain to see. In a room full of more good looking, eligible, popular guys, I had scored with the girl they were all after. Well, for one night at least.
But wait. Whats that funny feeling? That…shudder….goosebumps…what the fuck. What just happened? Wait, she’s joining in now? I didn’t think this one through. She moved her hand towards my jeans and my heart beat like a triphammer. Aside from a deep-rooted problem with foreskin, which I will explain another time, I had the sneaky suspicion that if her hand was to explore further, it might meet a somewhat sticky end. This had to be stopped. Fate saved the day, as my best friend chose that moment to ask, “what exactly are you doing under there?”
“nothing.”
And we both stopped. Everyones eyes were on us and, to be honest, everyone knew what was going on anyway. No one wanted to talk about it because no one could believe that it was me getting it. But the damage had been done… my hopes had been raised. After an uneventful night, the sun rose on a ridiculously awkward conversation between Maria and myself. I thought it had meant something. Maria was ‘drunk’ (which was a lie) and saw me as a good friend. Don’t they all.
And there it was. Half an hour of awkward fumbling and stained boxers, all for what? A let down and sympathy hug. The manna was no longer mine. What did I learn from this lesson? That there are better ways to begin relationships than in from of 15 people watching porn.
